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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Bedroom Breeders

Here's something shocking, strange, but true!

There are these group of people who are attracted to the opposite sex. *gasp* They like to call themselves 'straight', and although we don't like to acknowledge their existence, they are all around us, living, breathing, and looking pretty much like normal human beings.

Here's something else you wouldn't believe!

These heterosexual people like to make babies. They are positively addicted to populating the world with tiny people who cry all the time. The 'females' have this obsessive need to make living things come out of her vagina. It's a very strange, unexplainable habit. It's a very unhealthy lifestyle, but these folks can't stop growing babies inside their bodies.

Here's yet another thing that is very weird:

These heterosexual couples like to do their misdeeds in the section of a house called a 'bedroom'. And in the bedroom, they like to position themselves atop a cushy, foamy, springy, boxy contraption called a 'bed'. It sounds all very alien and absurd, but this contraption does exist. You can even google it...if you dare.

Some intrepid photographers have entered the dark realm of heterosexualism and captured these human miscreants doing the unspeakable acts...

For purposes of learning the behaviors of these 'human' creatures in their natural habitat, I've gathered some images to be examined and studied. If you feel nauseous upon viewing these images, do look away for a moment and gather your breath. If you cannot stand the sight, do exit this site immediately. These images are not for the squeamish and faint at heart.

Here is how a typical mating session among heterosexual couples play out:

1. The Lure: When one member of the party is sexually aroused, he or she will take a hold of their partner's body and lead them to the designated section of the house previous mentioned called the bedroom. At any time before or after this point, the clothes are shed...depending on the patience (and horniness) of the couple.

2. The Anticipation: Now in the bedroom, both partners are ready to scratch their itch, but in order to show the other that they are truly caring individuals and not just straight-up-horn-dogs, they must feign the smile and continue to gently embrace each other, all the while thinking "Let's get the show on the road!"

3. The Transition: Positioning themselves onto the awkward contraption called a 'bed' is actually one of the most exciting parts of a heterosexual coupling. It's a big milestone in this mating session.

 Predicting whether the male or female will spend the majority of the time on top is an exciting field of study for scientists. Each scientist formulates their own algorithm to predict who will be on top and for how long. Variables in their formulas often include the dominance of gender, sexual arousal of each partner, laziness, back pain, mood, stamina, time of the month, self-esteem (body-consciousness), and the most obvious predictor, previous sessions.

4. The Foreplay: This is often the longest part of a mating session. This event involves kissing, heavy petting, playful biting, dry humping, teasing. Scientists reason that this is a long process because actual intercourse usual only lasts 2 and a half minutes, often not enough time to satisfy the female partner. Thus, the male partner must invent ways to sexually stimulate his partner (without his penis) in order to minimize the effort needed to bring his partner to climax during intercourse.

5. The Intercourse: Heterosexual couples engage in many procreative positions. The one featured below is the classic missionary position. More on this tomorrow!

7. The Orgasm: That picture you see below is undoctored. It is not photoshop; there is no special effect. What you see is real. That's right, folks. When straight people orgasm, they actually levitate above the bed and look almost doll-like. Scientists are still puzzled as to how this temporary defying of gravity can occur.

8. The Shame: After having scratched their itch, after satisfying their addiction, heterosexual couples often come to the conclusion that what they did is sinful and unhealthy. So regret kicks in.
In this last photo, the male is calling his husband and saying, "Hey, honey. I tried to knock up a girl so we can have a child that share one of our genes. But it's just not worth it..."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Please. Can we have the all-male version now?!